picking up, packing up

Last time I moved,  the boxing and packing was done pretty much by myself.  The time before that too. I swore that I would never, never move again, let alone by myself.    I move into the new house next weekend, so this weekend is dedicated to boxing up stuff.  Bub is planning to come over at 10:00 to go over house bills and stuff.  I invited him to help divide up the kitchen stuff.  It feels really odd to have to separate out our lives, what comes with me and what stays with him,  by myself.  Kitchen stuff is pretty basic and shouldn’t have too much emotional significance.    Part of me feels like it would be easier to just do this all by myself.  Part of me feels that depression has stolen so much of my marriage, by pulling away and isolating, that having him here now while the marriage is being  pulled apart is important.

He was there building the thing up, he should be there as it comes to its end.

Asking a lot, and doubtful that he will be able to give that of himself, but here’s hope that the medication he is on will allow him to lift out enough to participate in dividing up kitchen stuff.

Depression in marriage, or in a family effects everybody.  For me, Bub’s depression was similar to experiences I had in childhood.  It was familiar in a strange way and it forced me to use skills of resiliency to stay afloat myself and not get mired down, pulled down too.  Perhaps I recognized it, somewhere deep down and I was drawn to the opportunity to somehow try and change the course of things with him, and in that somehow metaphorically rescue my mother from her depression.

I think we pretty much try working out our issues though life’s journey.  The lesson comes up time and time again until we learn to deal with it, put it to bed, give peace to it.

Mum pretty much withdrew from life after my step father died suddenly in 1972.  She had come though her first marriage a little dinged up from my father’s alcoholism and failure as a husband.  She got back on her feet, met David and fell madly in love.  They married and began life together, then he died suddenly one night in March, playing tennis. They had been married maybe 4 years total.  She basically fell apart and withdrew into the darkness of depression.  She ceased being able to reach outside of herself emotionally and  was not there for me as a child of 7.   I turned to my grandparents. Hence my love, love, love for most octogenarian.

Psychological Resilience 101.  I have been blessed with the innate character traits that one must have for resilience.  I have been using the skills I learned as a child to now navigate though this tough time.  I have called out to friends to help me move forward, literally.  Boxes are waiting for me.  The lesson has been there too, all the while.  You can not make another person happy.  You can only walk your path and share your light.  You can try to give it to others, but they have to take it up on their own.  I am boxing up that lesson today, complete with the knowledge that I will be OK and my light will not be snuffed out.

I am the lucky one.

This is the house on Stage Coach.  I talked with Cory last night, he is one of the owners.  I can move in Christmas week and we set a tentative date of December 20th.  The kids are coming home for Christmas and they can help me move.  Gets me in and settled for the New Year.  Allows me to have my Christmas Tree in a new spot.  December 20th is also my wedding anniversary.  Seems to me, if I am going to spend that day morning the loss of my marriage alone, I might as well be doing it moving forward. Literally.   Life’s little ironies get you thinking sometimes.

Last year he forgot our anniversary ( which is just 3 days after his birthday and just before a major holiday). We had talked about tentative plans just a few days before and he said he would take care of plans.  I waited all day to see if he was going to suggest dinner or something, then after dropping a bunch of hints, I realized that he had completely spaced what the day was. I went to bed alone and crying.  He knew it was the 20th of December, but completely disconnected the day to the event. The next day he asked me if I was feeling better.  I told him that he had forgotten our anniversary.  And he said, “why didn’t you remind me?”  There’s your sign.

Cory and Heidi have been beyond super.  They understand that everything is up in the air and they are willing to rent to me for 4 months, with a renewal in the beginning of May. They understand that I waiting on the Dean for an increase in time and income.  Not feeling too secure with Extension moving forward (it has been months of talk and no action) I am looking at other job opportunities too.  There is an opening with the town as the Zoning administrator.  So the doors are opening, and I am moving forward, but not sure of where I will be or what I will be doing in a month’s time.   Not a lot of folks would agree to rent for a couple of months and put some trust into things working out all right in the long run.  Heidi and Cory are amazing.

What has also been really amazing is the outpouring of support from friends and family.

Even my Mother has been cheering me on, which is a super big deal considering we hardly see eye to eye on most issues and have a distant at best type of relationship.  Changing my name back to Jump certainly did not thrill her to say the least.  And I can understand that,  her experience with my father was not pleasant, so for me to take his name back is a bit of a slap in the face for her.  But finding my Jump family has been really life affirming for me, and I think she understands that.  Now this move is a bit of a “told you so” moment for her, but she has had the grace to not rub it in my face.

Lucy, who is from the South and who has such a gracious way of telling you things you really don’t want to hear, took a virtual tour of the house on-line yesterday. We also talked about mistakes we make in life as we learn our lessons about ourselves and how we can choose to grow or choose to be mired down in our mess.  I just love love love talking with her.  She is calm and wise and funny all wrapped into one.  She loves her friends completely and makes you feel like your quirky faults are loved as well. ” well..I was thinking a couple of years ago you should have left…..but you wanted to be a good Christian wife…and well… I would never tell you to do anything that goes against that… and well darlin’ I am just glad you have a nice new place to go….I can’t wait to come see it…”

Lili, Patty and Laura have also been super supportive. The have helped me to keep some self-esteem when I am feeling pitifully un-loveable.  Joyce, Linda, Matt and even my boss man George have helped me keep my head on at work.   Joyce came into my office yesterday as the flood gates opened and I was sobbing.  She just came around me and gave me a hug.

My blog and cyber pals, Tom, Otter, Beth and Becky have all given a shout out, reminding me I am not alone. Jedi came up and helped me with the lights.   Cousin Jeff Jump called me from Florida to check in. Uncle Gordon in Ohio too.   Greg and Sherry, Lesley and Chris, all family from away nd my girls. They have all checked in with me. They have been the best, best,  best.  Checking in, poking me on Facebook, letting me rant and cry and laugh to get through this. I am the lucky one.

Now it is time to keep moving forward.  “What is your plan today, are you going to talk with the Dean?” my mother asked.  “yes, that and apply for the town job, and check on the sale of the diamond, and keep pushing forward.”  I say.  ” That sounds right.” she says, “that sounds right”.

One door shuts another opens

Lili and I walk, not as much now as we did, but basically we can be seen around Morrisville walking, talking and basically solving all the problems of the world so it can be safe again.   This past fall, when the writing was on the wall, we were down in Morristown corners and my favorite little house was still on the market and still vacant.  It is a 1820′s colonial that has been restored and needs someone to love it.

So with Bub in recovery up at his parent’s home, I have been able to stay in the house up on Cote Hill.  I have looked around for apartments and places to live. I found something that would work for a short while. maybe 2 years or so, but it is not available until April.  There are condo-doos at Jersey Heights, but a bit on the pricey side.  So this is a case where I put my future in to the hands of God  and basically trust that where I am supposed to go, where I will end up,  will present itself to me in good time.

Yesterday, I was over at the town offices and Heidi and I got chatting.  She used to live just across from me on Old Farm Rd., her house being the only one we can see from our deck.  Now she and her husband Cory are restoring an old farmhouse in Craftsbury, but Heidi works for the town as the community development coordinator.  So we bump into each other often enough.

A-N-Y-H-O-W….  so we were talking about things and I told her that I was looking to move forward and was looking for a place, and she then said that she and Cory have a place on Stagecoach Road, and wouldn’t you just bet that it is in fact the Red House I have been looking at.  Yup, there is some divine intervention moving around here.  She told me that just that morning she had been having a conversation with God about getting someone into that house for the winter so that it would not be empty.

Don’t have any idea about I am going to work this.  I still don’t have a solid agreement with the Dean on salary or even the time frame of the social networking job at Extension.  Supposed to nail that down maybe this week, but who knows.   I have no idea if Conrad wants to keep this house, or if he wants to sell it.  I simply don’t know him anymore, and haven’t talked with him much.   Again too many questions that are out of my hands and beyond my control.

What I can do is keep the faith that I am on the path I should be on and as one door shuts, another one will open, and that I got a whole choir of angles looking over me.  Yippe. ( ps, when I close my eyes at night, I often see an image similar to this one I found, and notice the bear! )

I will not be silent

I could not take it any more and I could not figure any other way to address  it.  I tried, I looked, I sought out advice, then checked in with my moral compass and was reminded of a little thing on face book of all things. Kesha Ram, one of Vermont’s youngest (perhaps brightest )legislators from the Burlington area,  she lists a reminder on her info page:

The Seven Blunders of the World
(A list that Mahatma Gandhi gave to his grandson, Arun, on their final day together, just before Gandhi was assassinated)

Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Knowledge without character
Commerce without morality
Science without humanity
Worship without sacrifice
Politics without principle

Now my words.

Silence in the face of injustice allows for the injustice to grow and to continue.  Truth, no matter how difficult to hear or how ugly remains true.  Dialog and action will stop injustice.   So when I attended the board meeting of the Lamoille Solid Waste Management District as a board supervisor, I had an obligation to operate openly and honestly and also to challenge unjust actions.

The very first day I was officially on, an employee came to me and disclosed that there has been and was fearful of continued sexual harassment by her boss and by some of the members of the board. She had reported it 4 years ago to the chair of the board and nothing was done.  The harassment had continued.  She was fearful that nothing was going to change.  I brought it to the board and in executive session, I relayed the issue and thought that the board would take steps to resolve the issue.

What I found instead was a board, whose majority didn’t get it.  I was harasses over the next several meetings with crude sexual jokes being told, disparaging remarks and innuendo.  I spoke directly to the offender each time and said the comments were inappropriate and offensive.  Twice I did this. Twice it was ignored.  Third time I sent a letter and submitted that letter for the record.

Shortly after, not only against me but also the employee who brought up the claim up became the subject of a story in the Stowe Reporter.  I was called a horse’s ass, a little lady who thought she is the savior of all women and the employee was identified and disparaged.   I addressed our Chair and asked what actions the board would take.  A sanction was offered, but not for actions against me, but actions against the employee. They are covered by law,  supervisors on boards are not employees and do not fall under the protection of the law.  I asked the Chair how he was going to deal with the harassment I was being subjected to.  He did nothing.  His plan was that perhaps if nothing was done, if silence and time was used,  if things settled down, perhaps, just perhaps the issue would go away.  Apathy.   I continued to serve.

Last week another claim came before the board and I had a hope that the Chair would have the backbone to finally address the issues of discrimination and patterns of harassment that has been imbedded in the culture of the board.  Instead the Chair dodged the issue and sided with the bad actors.  ” if I were Chip and Dave, I would be pissed too” was a statement made in an effort to settle hot tempters.  In trying to calm things down by siding and showing sympathy for the people who committed the bad acts, he led the board away from the issue.  He was asked what the claim was about and his response was that it was about money.  He then drew this analogy with a a qualifier. ” I have been in academia for 35 years and when ever you give an F you can expect some Hispanic Women to file a sexual discrimination claim.“.

Translation:  This new claim is because the employee, who has not earned compensation, but is asking for it, will try and get it by filing a sexual discrimination claim.  Therefore boys, lets focus on how we are going to handle the claim by focusing on the loss of compensation, not the issue of sexual discrimination.

I will not be quiet.  Silence is a tool used to continue the bad acts.   By being on the board and acting a member of one body, I would be contributing to the perpetuation of discrimination.   Because of the history and longstanding attitudes of certain members, for me to stand up in the meeting and speak the truth, in an attempt to create dialog, would not have worked.

We were at the point where there was a burning cross in my front yard, and to go to the cross and try to put it out with a bucket of water, would have had me lynched.

I called the Chair, Victor Ehly the next day, at his college office.  I spoke of my disappointment and specifically questioned him about his comments. He admitted to me that he was wrong and the comments were inappropriate and offensive.  He said he would not do it again.  But he fell short with a complete solution.  It is not good enough to say “sorry, I won’t do it again”. There needs to be a plan of action to open up the dialog about the culture. People need to examine and reflect upon their actions, then make changes in behavior.  I asked Victor what his plan was, to think about it and to get back to me with a specific plan for a change in action.  He never contacted me.  His action was to let things settle down and to hopefully ignore the issues again. Perhaps, he thought, If I don’t do anything it will go away.

Well, It will not go away.  I will not allow it to remain silent and secret.  My only recourse was to speak the truth openly and to do so by resigning and requesting that the town which I represent end their relationship with the district by pulling out.    I went before my town select board on Monday night and spoke the truth.  Openly and on record.   Now the town must decide if it will continue to engage with the district and the community will be watching.  I will continue to work with my town in this time of transition and evaluation of options.

It will be hard for the board of supervisors at the District to continue their tactics and culture of discrimination and retaliation now that the secret is no longer.  They will have to act openly and with transparency.  Kesha Ram put some words up on her face book page. Those words reminded me of the importance to principle.  There were no directions on how to specifically handle the issue, just the basic guidelines given from a very wise man.  Thank you Kesha.

Let’s all play nice now

Life in the Sandbox

Well last night’s VT-GOP was interesting.  Turns out that the invite I got from Bruce at church was to join a Stowe business man who had bought a table.  Buying a table means that you get to into the “private” meeting room prior to the dinner and smooze with the big-wigs.  Got a picture taken with Ari Fleshier and my host Jacques Bouramia,  chatted with Jim Douglas for a bit and enjoyed watching all the folks jockey for a moment with the Governor and the Heir presumptive, Brain Dubie.

I have a duck box from 2006, when I was manning a table, selling paint your own bird house, bat boxes and duck boxes to raise money for the Conservation District.  Jim Douglas came by to the event and I got him to sign his name on a duck box, in green paint.  I reminded  him about the box last night and we joked about it.  He asked if I was planning to run again, and I replied that I was planning to run for the select board.  ” Didn’t work out to well for Shaun Bryer” he said.   I let that one go.

Short speeches were given a plenty in the back room, then we were herded out to our perspective tables and to hear more speeches.  I was not surprised to find our table way up in the front of the room. The annual fall dinner is a general fund-raising event, so the cost of a table is pretty steep and with an added donation, your table can be up in the front,  ours was next to Brian Dubie’s crew.  So I guess I lucked into a pretty desirable spot.  I think that the other Lamoille county republicans must have been a bit curious as to why I have emerged back in public and managed to be placed where I was.

I love being enigmatic in those type situations.  I think I scare the local guys.  They had a hard time controlling me in the past election, and I am much too liberal in some of my views, making them very uncomfortable with the thought I might run again. In fairness, Jacques is a very nice guy, and he was most kind to let me tag along.  He had found out (via Bruce)  that I had run for a house seat a while back and had a fun time telling folks I was going to run again…not so soon cowboy.  I got a bunch of other stuff to do first.

The speeches at dinner were predictable.  It went a little like this…the republican party is the only party that thinks about the economy and the democrats are disorganized with any type of financial restraint.  The state is falling apart and all the Dems what to do is spend more. Blah blah blah.   Tom Salmon was given a thunderous welcome to the team.  He talked about his service in the war and when he returned to Vermont he expected the State House democrats to be working on solutions, not talking about trying harder.  Predictable.  More partisan language and finger pointing at the other team for all the problems. Gets old after a while.  Ari’s speech was a bit creepy,  focusing on being at Bush’s  right hand side at the campaign, in the White House, and all during 911.  He talked about Peace though Power and sprinkled a lot of right winged Christian speak though out.  Then things turned into a Obama slam and I lost interest.

My feet began to hurt and I had, had enough.  This blog confession will certainly put a nail in my republican coffin.   I need to find a new home.  It is not that I have seen the light, it is more about being sick of the darkness.  Can’t we all play nicely in the sandbox folks?

Editor’s Note:  An anonymous comment linking Tom Salmon to the news story in this Sunday’s paper was deleted.

1. can’t just post a slam without taking credit for it.

2. the point of the piece was to say that finger-pointing needs to stop.  to post a slam, without your name, is a sissy’s way of finger-pointing.  at least have the courage to say who you are. then maybe I will put up the comment.