journaling

I have kept a private journal for years.  I think I started somewhere in Jr. High and the earliest on I have managed to hold on to was written back in 1981.  My first entry in that book was Tuesday, July 28th.  It was the day before the wedding of Lady Diana Spencer to Prince Charles.  I was in the summer between my sophomore and junior year at Proctor.  That journal takes me thought that fall, then pages ripped out.  Lost.

Several of my journals are missing pages, pieces of my life that I, perhaps at one point, thought best to forget, or perhaps not share with others.

The small green trunk was my grandmother’s and she kept her journals and mementos in it, tucked into the bottom of the closet in her dressing room.  At one point I asked her for the trunk and the contents when she passed.  I was given the trunk, but empty.  The contents of her journals burned.  Perhaps those were her wishes too, but I miss the opportunity to have known her while she was in her 20’s, 30’s or 40’s though her words.

I am going though my journals and finding bits and pieces of my marriage that I had forgotten.  The problem with memory, is that it is often selective, and mine is very poor.   The other day I was talking with Lulu about movies and she said, “hey you would really like the Blind Side”.  I said, ” oh Lulu, I just saw 2012 and it was fantastic, I saw it just the other day, you would really like it”

“Mum” she said “I saw it with you, remember?”

Well, welcome to my lupie kind of brain.  Especially under stress or a flare up, I am apt to forget all sorts of things.  So my plan is to go though the journals and transcribe them into a digital file.  Save them on a hard drive and have a hard copy as well.  Could be fun to revisit some of the past 20 odd years, could be painful.  Could just give me some insight and more of a roadmap to the journey I am on now.

Happy Thanksgiving

wow a couple of really intense weeks and today is the day to be reflective and take stock of all that we have and of those we hold most dear.  Thanksgiving.   I have written about the my dealings with the Trash Board.  That stress had been around for a while, I knew that bad attitudes existed prior to my joining, so I willingly engaged with that one.  No whining or pity party here.

My marriage has been tested to the limits in the past few years, mostly due to the effects of major depression that my husband has suffered terribly from.  He is getting the help he needs now but we are no longer living together and are officially separated.  This has been a long and very painful part of my life, and because depression  has effected both of us in different ways,  I will continue to write from my point of view.  My hope is that someone else who has either has depression or has a partner with depression will reach out and take comfort from my words.  Plus, speaking out is how I too will heal.

Monday before last, I came home to find that depression has left its worst calling card.  Suicide attempt, but I was there in time and got my husband emergency help. This was the 2nd time, and I felt it coming but was unable to get him the help he needed in the weeks leading up to it.   He has survived and is rebuilding is life now and is safe.  I too am rebuilding and have been surrounded by support of friends and family.  Work allows for time off and has counseling for employees which I have take advantage of.   I have been grieving, and moving forward and am determined that depression will no longer have room in my life.

Depression, the illness is not the same as grieving.  Depression is the not healthy, can’t pass thought the sadness stage of grief and consumes hope and dulls the feelings of love.  I feel the love and support of friends along with the sadness of my lost marriage.  I have hope in abundance.  I cry at times and feel so much better after.  Depression is an aberration of normal sadness. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain that warps how one sees the world.  Depression is a thief of the most worst kind, because it can be disguised as trouble with a specific issue, rather than an overall loss of hope and balance.

Thirdly,  Miss. Em had emergency surgery day before yesterday and I zipped down to be in New Hampshire to be with her.  She had noticed a pain in her right side that continued to increase.  Friday night she was in the ER and having scans.  They found a large ovarian cyst.  On Monday it had grown and Tuesday it had increased from 6 to 8 cm.  Surgery was that afternoon and it ruptured when they were trying to get it out.  The Dr. saved the ovary. Yippe and Ms. Em is healing up just fine. That kind of non scheduled stress and coming together as a family is part of life.  Chris and his wife Roxanne, Lulu and her boyfriend Tanner, Kenny-Emilie’s love and Me, all together in the surgical waiting room, supporting each other the best we could.

My thanksgiving plans went into effect several months ago.  I was going to be with my children.  Em at 19, said she was going to be with her love’s family, but that I should come. So it seemed the good plan to meet the potential family she has chosen.  And yes they are in love and are looking at a future together.   Lulu wanted to go to Grandma’s with her Dad, which made a lot of sense, Chris’s father had passed this fall, so a gathering at his mother’s house with his sister’s family was likely. ( Although ex-wives, are not part of that homecoming)  So I knew I would be on the road.

Tuesday the call came that Em was going into surgery, so I packed up the dog and the pie making goodies and headed out.  Kenny’s mother Kim and her partner Bill have been so helpful and supportive with Em, they opened their house to me and Windell, Kenny father took the dog for the night.   Wednesday morning I brought Emilie back to her love nest at Kenny’s and then realized that I was exhausted.   Relief allows the body to relax and once that happened, I also realized that my lupus would flare up if I didn’t get some down time. My joints had begun aching and the tell-tale signs were there.

So I am home.  I am not alone, I have my children close by my heart and available on my little blackberry.  My friend Lili will bring by some Turkey later on, as I am her official meals on wheels friend.  I am choosing not to be in the company of others today because I need to rest and nest.  I am planning to take a long walk with the dog, maybe go to the gym for a workout, maybe not.  I have my spinning wheel and tons of wool to comb for spinning later.  I have movies and the radio and a fire ready to be made. I have peace and most importantly thankfulness that Bub is alive and finding his way too, hopefully without depression.

Let us all take stock in what we have and be mindful that we are all blessed with the opportunity of relationship with  friends and family and love.  After all, at the end of the day, that is what this trip called life is all about.  Happy Thanksgiving all!

24 months

24 months is the same as 2 years, or 730 days or 17520 hours.  An awful lot can happen in that time.   I had a sheep farm less than 2 years ago.  I also got a new job, made new friends, took some graduate classes, got a nice new pair of glasses, gained some weight, lost some weight, ran 5 miles a couple of times, got paid to write, and lived in the moment as much much as I could.

Lots can happen in the next 2 years and yesterday I was a bit down in the dumps first thing.  I had taken refuge up in one of my favorite places with some of my favorite peeps, but still grieving a huge loss.   The waterworks had opened wide and I was allowing myself to mourn.  Later, Lulu and I ventured home to Morrisville and made out a plan.  It was time that I got a real cell phone and time to spend some good times with my daughter.  After doing some research, canvasing face book friends and making some calls, it turns out I get a good discount monthly with Verizon because I work for UVM.

The store in Burlington was jammed and we took our turn in line to finally be helped by Mathew.  He was very helpful and I took my first picture on the camera phone of him.  Really hard to get a good picture from a cell phone.  Not the quality I am used to with my Nikon, but my first cell phone picture none the less.

I got a Blackberry with a purple case.  Lulu helped me to pick it out.  I wanted to be able to have internet, an ability to hook up to my laptop, both here and at work.   When I asked about the contract, he said it was two years.

The really great thing is that so much can happen in the next two years, I felt like the phone is something concrete that I can take with me on this next part of my journey.  I was lifted out of my funk and felt a small sense of security again,  knowing that I will be connected to my most important people for the next two years.  They will always know that they can get a hold of me. 

Lulu knew how to work the phone and once we were set for service, we headed to Church street.  Lulu and I connect on the Sushi level and Sukura is our place.  We were afraid they might be closing at 2:00, but luckily they are open all day Saturday so we were able to enjoy our comfort food.  Tuna and Ebi for me,  a tuna roll for her.  We were refueled and ready to head out.

Victoria’s secret next and the end of the birthday gift cards and coupons. Then to April Cornell’s for a new set of flannel jammies for me.  Last stop the shoe store and a new pair of clogs for Lulu and a pair of black riding type boots for me.  (I don’t need them, but they sure as heck look good and I have wanted a pair for years.  I used to have a set of black boots always, just like a pair of favorite jeans or classic sweater, comfort clothes make you feel secure. )

At the end of the day, a return home and then let the dog out to run.  Start a fire in the wood stove, and then find the movie.  Lulu treated me to the new flick, 2012.  We found Todd Geraci and his dad Anthony there, and sat with them.  Todd and I share the same birthday and he is one of my all time favorite people in the world.  He threw his arms around me and gave me a great big hug.  What more could you ask for?

The movie was wonderfully over the top with special effects of the world as we know it coming apart and the family finding the importance of family and in the end everything works out.  Over the top on so many levels it was great.  Pop Corn and a lemon lime slushy to top if off and home around 9. We stayed up playing with the phone until at some point I fell asleep and she went to her room too.

I slept really, really well last night.  Woke up too late to make church, but feel so much better than I had this past week. I really needed it.

Lulu has gone now, back to NH and it is just me and dog and Mr. Toes.   24 months, 730 days.  Each one is a gift and I have a little purple anchor that will keep me connected.

Jewel will keep watch over me, barking when somebody comes by and reminding me that there are many walks to take.

Peeps

Lulu is on her way.  Jenny and Jessie too. We are all meeting up in Greensboro, at Jenny’s for tonight.  I am the first to arrive and as soon as I let the doggo out of the car, she took off.  I hope no one mistakes her for a deer.  She has three legs after all.

The girlies are best best best of friends, and so they will disappear to the back bedrooms and be on face plant most of the night.  Jenny and I will knit, spin and solve all of the problems of the universe, because that is what girl friends do.  She will tell me how to solve my issues, and I hers. Then we will tackle all the world issues that are meant to be talked about.

The sun is setting now at 4:19 pm and the night will be dark tonight.  Willies store closes at 5:30 in the winter, so I think there will be a quick run down to get supplies.  I left some stuff here from last weekend.  I think there is some dead lettuce in a bag in the fridge.  The only thing I have done so far, waiting for the crew was to bring stuff in from the car, then make some tea. Pee

I am looking forward to good times tomorrow with Lulu.  I think sushi and a movie. Maybe a trip to Burlington.  Who knows. I just am happy to have my peeps around. Lulu has just arrived!

 

I will not be silent

I could not take it any more and I could not figure any other way to address  it.  I tried, I looked, I sought out advice, then checked in with my moral compass and was reminded of a little thing on face book of all things. Kesha Ram, one of Vermont’s youngest (perhaps brightest )legislators from the Burlington area,  she lists a reminder on her info page:

The Seven Blunders of the World
(A list that Mahatma Gandhi gave to his grandson, Arun, on their final day together, just before Gandhi was assassinated)

Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Knowledge without character
Commerce without morality
Science without humanity
Worship without sacrifice
Politics without principle

Now my words.

Silence in the face of injustice allows for the injustice to grow and to continue.  Truth, no matter how difficult to hear or how ugly remains true.  Dialog and action will stop injustice.   So when I attended the board meeting of the Lamoille Solid Waste Management District as a board supervisor, I had an obligation to operate openly and honestly and also to challenge unjust actions.

The very first day I was officially on, an employee came to me and disclosed that there has been and was fearful of continued sexual harassment by her boss and by some of the members of the board. She had reported it 4 years ago to the chair of the board and nothing was done.  The harassment had continued.  She was fearful that nothing was going to change.  I brought it to the board and in executive session, I relayed the issue and thought that the board would take steps to resolve the issue.

What I found instead was a board, whose majority didn’t get it.  I was harasses over the next several meetings with crude sexual jokes being told, disparaging remarks and innuendo.  I spoke directly to the offender each time and said the comments were inappropriate and offensive.  Twice I did this. Twice it was ignored.  Third time I sent a letter and submitted that letter for the record.

Shortly after, not only against me but also the employee who brought up the claim up became the subject of a story in the Stowe Reporter.  I was called a horse’s ass, a little lady who thought she is the savior of all women and the employee was identified and disparaged.   I addressed our Chair and asked what actions the board would take.  A sanction was offered, but not for actions against me, but actions against the employee. They are covered by law,  supervisors on boards are not employees and do not fall under the protection of the law.  I asked the Chair how he was going to deal with the harassment I was being subjected to.  He did nothing.  His plan was that perhaps if nothing was done, if silence and time was used,  if things settled down, perhaps, just perhaps the issue would go away.  Apathy.   I continued to serve.

Last week another claim came before the board and I had a hope that the Chair would have the backbone to finally address the issues of discrimination and patterns of harassment that has been imbedded in the culture of the board.  Instead the Chair dodged the issue and sided with the bad actors.  ” if I were Chip and Dave, I would be pissed too” was a statement made in an effort to settle hot tempters.  In trying to calm things down by siding and showing sympathy for the people who committed the bad acts, he led the board away from the issue.  He was asked what the claim was about and his response was that it was about money.  He then drew this analogy with a a qualifier. ” I have been in academia for 35 years and when ever you give an F you can expect some Hispanic Women to file a sexual discrimination claim.“.

Translation:  This new claim is because the employee, who has not earned compensation, but is asking for it, will try and get it by filing a sexual discrimination claim.  Therefore boys, lets focus on how we are going to handle the claim by focusing on the loss of compensation, not the issue of sexual discrimination.

I will not be quiet.  Silence is a tool used to continue the bad acts.   By being on the board and acting a member of one body, I would be contributing to the perpetuation of discrimination.   Because of the history and longstanding attitudes of certain members, for me to stand up in the meeting and speak the truth, in an attempt to create dialog, would not have worked.

We were at the point where there was a burning cross in my front yard, and to go to the cross and try to put it out with a bucket of water, would have had me lynched.

I called the Chair, Victor Ehly the next day, at his college office.  I spoke of my disappointment and specifically questioned him about his comments. He admitted to me that he was wrong and the comments were inappropriate and offensive.  He said he would not do it again.  But he fell short with a complete solution.  It is not good enough to say “sorry, I won’t do it again”. There needs to be a plan of action to open up the dialog about the culture. People need to examine and reflect upon their actions, then make changes in behavior.  I asked Victor what his plan was, to think about it and to get back to me with a specific plan for a change in action.  He never contacted me.  His action was to let things settle down and to hopefully ignore the issues again. Perhaps, he thought, If I don’t do anything it will go away.

Well, It will not go away.  I will not allow it to remain silent and secret.  My only recourse was to speak the truth openly and to do so by resigning and requesting that the town which I represent end their relationship with the district by pulling out.    I went before my town select board on Monday night and spoke the truth.  Openly and on record.   Now the town must decide if it will continue to engage with the district and the community will be watching.  I will continue to work with my town in this time of transition and evaluation of options.

It will be hard for the board of supervisors at the District to continue their tactics and culture of discrimination and retaliation now that the secret is no longer.  They will have to act openly and with transparency.  Kesha Ram put some words up on her face book page. Those words reminded me of the importance to principle.  There were no directions on how to specifically handle the issue, just the basic guidelines given from a very wise man.  Thank you Kesha.