A couple of years back I took the girls to Nova Scotia. I didn’t realize that this photo would be the one of the girls that I would see most often. It has been my screen saver on my laptop for the past 2 years. A simple reminder that my children are on their own journey. I am simply the starting point.
Yesterday was the last day of class, but I still have 2 papers to hand in. One was due yesterday, but I couldn’t pull it off in time and the other is due, post stamped by the 15th. It was all I could do to will myself and stay in the class all day. The week before I had class on Thursday, Friday and Saturday with a presentation on Saturday and a paper. Got it in on time and paid for it with a lupus flair up. Mix up an equal portions of ‘not enough sleep’ with ’stress’ , shake well with sitting in a class for 7 hours-2 days straight and ta-da! A fully done gimp.
I worked on class stuff over the week and prepared for class, got my first paper back on Wednesday and was having complete second thoughts about the class, the MPA program, grad school and my direction or lack of it seems. Fatigue will do that. Friday night I worked on the paper for 5 hours and decided to not pull a late night to finish it. I got up at 5 and worked for another 2 hours, then got ready and left by 7:30 for class at 9:00.
I think I slept well, but I was weepy in the morning, tearing up over NPR stories on the way in. My hips were hurting too. Those are two clear signs of a flair up. My reserve was low and I was emotionally frayed, the joint pain in the hips is an indication of lupus kicking in. When a flair up is just starting up, I can get really bummed out. Unreasonably so, which is also a sign that I am heading into a flair. So by the end of class I was whipped and ready to throw in the towel. I cried all the way home and had a good old pity party for myself. I wondered why I had gotten myself into this, and feeling trapped with a low paying job and no hopes for a decent career, and no kids and no sheep in the pasture, blah blah blah.
Changing direction in your 40’s is a bit overwhelming. What do I want to do when I grow up? The kids are out of the house and so my daily identity is different then it was. No kids schedules to manage, no games, no “what’s for dinner”. The scary reality is that I am on my own here and when I am lupi, it is tough to move forward. I don’t need anyone feeling sorry for me, I have generated enough of that myself.
So I have a little pity party, then I find a friend a take a walk to put it into perspective. By the 2nd mile my whining is done and Lili tells me to suck it up.
Emilie tells me “down seven, get up eight.”
Lulu just says ” do it”
The girls, as always are my starting point. They don’t know it yet, but they are. shhh… don’t tell anyone, but I love them the most.
