Normally I am thrilled to be home after traveling. I have an overwhelming sense of peace and feel like I am living in the most beautiful place. I am where I belong. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
This time returning to Vermont was radically different. I was feeling unsettled and deflated with my return. Traveling home from Washington was an all day event, leaving the hotel around 7:30 am and getting to my front door at about 5:30. Should have been more then enough time to transition, but as I got closer I became more unsettled.
I don’t know what I expected really. The house was the same as I had left if. There were still unfinished projects and laundry to do. Barn chores needed to be done and the internet had been down for several days. Books needed to be balanced and bills needed to be paid.
There were 14 messages on the answering machine dealing with 4th of July stuff. Folks expected me to be home, and most of the calls were from the same person who got more and more pissed off that I wasn’t returning her call to tell her what the theme for the parade was.
I think that this time, I just didn’t get my fill. I craved to back in the city and wanted the more manicured life and yard. I wanted the income to be able to live in the lifestyle I have walked away from, and I desired the job and the prestige. I even wanted to be able to justify very pretty expensive shoes I saw, with some sort of important place to be, meeting important people.
This has been a year of transition for me. This July it will be one year of farming and doing small jobs to get by as my farm grows, instead of being on someone else’s pay role. Both of my children are living in New Hampshire and so my role of mother has changed as well. This is the first time in 18 years that I haven’t had a kid in the house and my daily focus is much different.
I am feeling adrift and questioning my place in life. Am I really doing what I should be doing?
I felt really alive in Washington and really comfortable in the environment. It was easy for me to speak to folks at the USDA and industry heads. To come home and address issues like the theme of the parade was depressing.
Yesterday was a bit better. My kids called to wish me a Happy Mother’s day and we worked on the sheep shed for the upper pasture. Emilie called a couple of times and Lulu and chatted for a while about purses and photographs. The sheep followed me up and back to pasture with out the bucket of grain as a prompt.
Today seems a bit better too. I realize that there are points in transition that do require reflection and occasionally a sense of regret of leaving the old familiar. Even if it is the right move.
